Rain. It was something I had gotten used to
in the last year, but on days like these, you could only feel that everything
would go wrong. Something ominous was definitely in the air.
It was nearly seven o'clock, and I was running
late for work. Again.
"Kian!" I called out from the kitchen. He
was SO lucky, running more than half of his business from the house.
That lucky so-and-so could sleep in late while I had to catch the Shinkansen
into Tokyo.
"Kian?!" I repeated, setting down my coffee
to look into the bedroom. Most likely, it was his sleeping face that
I'd find. "Still sleeping, eh?"
Kneeling at the edge of the futon, I found
myself entranced by his peaceful looking young face. His raven black
hair cascaded around him wildly, tempting me to feel its texture. However,
I knew it well. Even still, a quick reminder wouldn't hurt, I thought,
smiling broadly. The moment I leaned in close to run my fingers through
his luxurious locks, Kian's eyes crept open, his peaceful visage quickly
replaced by a mischievous grin.
"Morning . . ." his voice lulled softly.
"Off to work, koneko?"
I was about to tell Kian where he could take
that sarcastic remark about going to work, but I couldn't help but smile
at his pet name for me: "kitten". It sounded like something a father
would call his daughter, but it had much more meaning for us.
"Koneko, is it? Hmmm . . ." I bent
to kiss him lightly on the lips. The moment I felt his arms snake around
my waist, my lips rose from his. "Ohh, no! I'm not going to miss my
train again. ."
"Yes you are . . ." he teased, coming to a
seated position. Kian was such a kidder! He winked at me, his hand resting
lightly at the nape of my neck, teasing the sensitive skin just beneath
my hairline.
"Kian . . ." I whispered, looking deeply
into his crystalline hazel eyes. "Gotta go."
"I know, I know . . ." he acknowledged, lightly
caressing my cheek. "Get going, koneko. I'll see you later, okay?"
Unconsciously, my eyes fluttered closed, my
head bowing slowly to receive my daily token. Kian's lips brushed my
forehead, holding me close. "Be careful," he muttered against my moist
skin. "I love you . . ."
"I love you too, Kian . . ."
As I walked out of the room, I could still
feel his eyes perusing my uniformed body. He was such a wonderful guy,
and it seemed so unreal to me that Kian and I were this deeply in love.
It happened so fast, but here we were basking in the glorious aura of
it all.
"I'm going!" I called out, grabbing my briefcase
and running full speed to the train station five minutes away. Who cared
if it was raining or not? I'd change clothes when I got to work! "Shoot!
I've got ten minutes to get there!" I exclaimed, racing through the
turnstile and hopping on the local subway. As expected, the train was
completely packed with people who were, no doubt, as late as I was.
Shinkansen trains were normally on time, so
I had to pray the local train would get me to the junction in record
time. Still, it was better to pray for a miracle to happen than to see
the local get ANYWHERE early.
I leaned against the train doors, lightly
cursing myself for being so easily distracted by Kian.
"My boss is going to kill me," I muttered,
but after I said the words, my stop came. I looked up at the information
board, and to my surprise, the Shinkansen was still there. Rather than
pondering on the strange phenomenon, I ran faster than ever to the lower
level platform.
Before I entered the train, I noted something
strange about the conductor. Today, he was smiling. It was a well-known
fact that my conductor never smiled a day in his life. Well, the day
so far had been one of unexplainable incidences. This was certainly
no different.
My regular seat was still unoccupied, so despite
my drenched clothing, I tried to relax for the hour and half ride into
Tokyo. My head turned to stare out the window at the watery landscape.
The scenery was mellowing, faces of nearby hills weeping, rivulets of
rainwater streaming across the delicate blossoms in the distance. There
was something innately disturbing about how it made me feel.
"Excuse me . . ."
The sudden voice startled me, quickly turning
my head to the source. An old woman about eighty, stood unsteadily in
the aisle, clutching onto the head of the chair. She looked at me intently,
almost to the point of squinting, then continued to speak.
"Are you sure you're on the right train,
young lady?" she asked curiously, her voice cracking as she spoke.
"I should think so, ma'am," I said politely,
turning my body fully to face her. "I've been taking the same seven-thirty
train for the past nine months."
She sighed deeply, slightly shaking her head.
I didn't know what to make of this old lady questioning my choice of
trains. Her hand reached out to mine, and as she touched me, I felt
a chill run through my body. Her hand felt like a block of ice, like
she had no blood flowing through her.
"Perhaps you should check the board again,
young lady," she advised, releasing my hand. Then, she bowed her head
and continued walking down the aisle toward the opposite end of the
train.
Naturally, my head peeped down the aisle at
the strange thing that had just occurred. Normally I wouldn't follow
the advice of some stranger, but in this case, I thought it wouldn't
hurt to look. Hastily, I left my briefcase on the chair opposite me,
then walked the short distance to the doorway of the train.
It was then that I noticed the strangest of
occurrences. Why were people bowing to the train?, I wondered. The people
in the train across the platform seemed to know something I didn't.
They glanced ever so briefly at the train, and then gave a low bow.
Was it some Japanese custom I didn't know about? I thought Kian had
shown me a lot of old time customs, since that was what he studied for
a living, but never had I heard of bowing to a train.
"What's going on . . .?" I muttered to myself,
grabbing the steel handrail next to me loosely.
Looking up at the glowing neon information
board, I realized that, indeed this was my train. Also, that we were
extremely late! What was this conductor waiting for, hell to freeze
over? We were already fifteen minutes behind schedule!
As if on cue, the doors closed in front of
me, cloaking me in a temporary shadow. My mind was more at ease, although
that previous incident was still clinging to my brain. Nevertheless,
we were on our way to Tokyo. Finally.
Once I was back in my seat, I tucked my ticket
in the folds of the seat next to me so the conductor wouldn't have to
wake me up to get it. As the Shinkansen sped up and the scenery around
me turned into a grayish blur, my eyes began to droop, the undeniable
sign that sleep was seizing me. I'll be there before I know it . . .
"OK, everyone please exit the train in an
orderly fashion --"
My eyes flew open at the sudden words of the
conductor over the speakers. At first I thought we had arrived at Tokyo
station already, but it didn't even feel like ten minutes had passed.
Something told me something went wrong.
"We have reached our final destination --"
the soft voice of a young man said, his voice breaking off into a muffled
side conversation.
"We're here, already?" I asked myself, wondering.
It was that very moment I realized what happened. Or maybe I didn't.
It was dark outside. Completely, utterly dark.
I didn't see landmarks of any kind. Where the heck was I? Frantic, I
jumped out of my seat to stop one of the passengers walking by.
"Mister! Can you tell me where we are?" I
begged, clutching onto his white overcoat.
"Don't you know, my dear?" he asked rhetorically,
smiling broadly. "We're in Heaven."
I was struck dumb, unable to even continue
grabbing the man's coat. How could this be? Heaven? How? Am I . . .
DEAD?
"This has to be a dream . . ." I told myself,
pinching my forearm hoping, praying that I would wake up. "This has
to be a dream!"
"It's no dream, young lady."
The same old woman from earlier rested her
hand on my head. Her hand no longer felt cold, but full of the warmth
of a thousand heaters. It almost seared my skin.
"It did not look like it was your time, dear
girl, but I guess it was. I suppose God knows better than I about these
matters," she said softly, petting my head in so soothing a manner,
it instantly reminded me of Kian's soft hands, how he used to --
"Come with me," the old woman commanded. In
a matter of seconds, her voice transformed into that of a commanding
general. I had no choice but to go with her. I'd rather go with someone
that knew what was going on as opposed to being stuck on an empty train
that could be leading to the OTHER place for all I knew. When I went
to reach for my briefcase, she stopped me.
"Those things are insignificant here. Leave
them." Wish I could tell that to my boss in reality . . .
The open doors revealed a wide white carpet
stretching far and wide into the distance. All of the other doors nearby
had the similar white carpet stemming from it. No one stepped off the
carpet, I noticed.
"Stay on the white carpet. If you step off
of it . . ." the old lady left it unsaid, and I quickly got the idea
of what would happen.
While we walked, I needed to have some questions
answered. All these strange things happening to me so suddenly were
not on my agenda. I wanted answers.
"Listen, lady --"
"My name is Raya . . ." she informed me.
"OK, Raya. I don't know what's going on,
and right about now, I'm not sure I WANT to know. Just . . . how do
I get back?" I asked curiously, arching an eyebrow down at her.
"Back? You don't mean the world of the Living,
do you?" she wondered.
"Of course! What other world would I be talking
about?"
Chuckling, Raya poked me in my right arm with
her finger. "You can't go back, girl."
"Ha! You wanna bet? I'll find a way out of
here if it's the last thing I do!" I declared. There was no way I was
going to get a premature entry into Heaven. That's nice and all,
but I'll pass . . .
Moments later, we arrived at what seemed like
a never-ending gate. It extended infinitely in both directions. Its
pearly whiteness beamed so brightly, it threatened to blind me. A burly
man stood at the entrance to one of the open doors by the gate, but
it was a short distance ahead of me. Once we arrived at the gate, the
burly guard looked at me strangely, and before I could even speak, he
shook his head at me.
"What? What is it?" I questioned his negative
motion. He pointed up to a white building that seemed to float in the
sky without any kind of aid. Was it magic? Was this really the infamous
Gate of Heaven? I didn't know what to believe anymore.
"You must go there, Kyoko. To be judged,"
Raya's voice siphoned through my drifting mind.
"Judged?" I asked, and then suddenly realized
something. "Wait, how'd you know my name?"
All Raya did was smile. Her smile looked so
unerringly familiar to me, but I couldn't quite place it.
"Good-bye, my kitten . . ."
Kitten? Only Kian and . . . my grandmother
. . . called me that. Was that really my . . .? Suddenly, I felt
the guard's hand on my arm, and in the blink of an eye, I disappeared
and materialized in a new room. The dais in front of me reminded me
of a forum of Congress, although much smaller. Four women and three
men occupied the seven seats in front of me. They all looked at me intently.
"Greetings, dear Kyoko. We've been expecting
you," they chorused synchronously.
"What are you talking about? This is all a
big mistake --" I countered, but was quickly interrupted by another
chorus of voices.
"This is no mistake, Kyoko. Fate has brought
you here today."
"Fate?" I smirked, "I don't believe in Fate.
I MAKE my own fate." One of the women looked to another member of the
panel knowingly. Anyone with half a brain could see they were communicating,
but what they were saying about me was a mystery.
"Rest assured, Kyoko," another woman began,
"you are no longer among the living. However, your lifeline is still
strongly attached to another in the Human world."
Kian. They're talking about Kian.
My breath caught in my throat as I thought about him. How much time
had passed? Was he worried? By now, my boss would have called home to
find out what happened to me. Oh, Kian . . .
"What of it?" I boldly questioned.
"Until this bond is cut, you cannot continue
through Heaven's gates," she simply stated.
"Why would I break my bond with Kian? I love
him too much to do that!" I said vehemently.
"Your Fate has --"
"MY fate is my own!" I shouted at them, pointing
my finger at the woman now standing. "My destiny lies with Kian, and
I won't let anyone, ANYONE, stop me from living out my destiny."
The seven people looked at each other, their
faces red with slight embarrassment as well as anger. The silence in
the place was nerve-racking, but foremost in my mind was getting back
to my world.
"Kyoko. The council has made a decision. You
will return to the world of the Living, but only in spirit form. At
that point, you will have to make a decision to either leave Kian or
stay among the living," a man sitting in the center said. He seemed
to be the oldest of them all, quite possibly the most wise. I was going
to say there was no choice, but he held up a hand. "Do not be so hasty
to make your decision now. A considerable amount of time has passed
since you left. You will see what your beloved Kian is going through
now. Think carefully about it."
I thought about the old man's words. That
much time had passed already? Just how much? Did Kian get over my death
so quickly? No, no jumping to conclusions . . .
"You will have twelve hours to make your decision,
Kyoko. Always remember that even if you untangle your lifeline from
his, you will see him again."
"Take me back . . ." I insisted, closing my
eyes. When I opened them, I found myself in my house, back in the room
where Kian and I spent so many cold nights together. It was strange
that Kian wasn't home, though. According to the clock, it was almost
two in the morning.
"Where could he be?" I wondered aloud, but
as I walked past a mirror, there was nothing looking back at me. A spirit,
I thought derisively. I want my body back.
The moment I left the bedroom, I had the
feeling I'd walked into a war zone. The room was utterly filthy. It
didn't look like Kian cleaned the house in weeks. He was always such
a neat freak. What happened? A sound at the door startled me, my head
turning in that direction. It was Kian, but he was not alone.
The creature that I saw slinking her way
into my house was nothing short of a whore. Her lips were a bright crimson,
long black hair pulled back into a ponytail, and wearing a black vinyl
catsuit.
"Kian, come on . . ." she begged, pulling
him in the direction of the bedroom.
Kian looked like he was drunk or high, I couldn't
really tell which. My heart fluttered at the sight of him. Although
he looked disheveled and could barely stand on his two feet, I wanted
to run to him, hug him and kiss him and never let go. But, he couldn't
see me.
"Get that bottle for me, Aya . . ." he pointed
to a bottle of sake on the top of the counter we were saving for our
anniversary in the upcoming month. The cat-like woman wrapped her hand
around the neck of the bottle, and then grabbed his hand again.
"Come, Kian . . ." she purred, disappearing
into the room with him.
I didn't know what to do. How could Kian
bring that woman into our private space and desecrate all that we've
built up along the way? At first, I didn't want to know what was going
on inside, but my eyes kept straying to the room, wondering. Strangely,
I couldn't even cry. God, I really wanted to.
"Kian . . . " I murmured, walking toward the
door. Completing the motion through the solid wood, I saw the woman
named Aya half-clothed, but Kian was so consumed in drinking his sake,
he barely noticing her.
"You are such a drunken lush, Kian," she complained,
tearing away the bottle of sake from his hands. "I would have thought
you'd get over her by now." She was about to take a swig from the bottle,
until he grabbed it from her.
"NO!" he shouted angrily. "You can't drink
from this bottle . . ." He slumped to the floor near the window, clutching
the bottle tightly against his chest.
Aya looked at Kian, then toward me. Why was
she looking this way? There's no way she could know that I was watching.
"You're no use to me tonight, Kian. Go to
bed. I'll call you," she dropped some yen notes on the unrolled futon,
then turned to leave. Kian barely moved as she left the room.
I went to take a closer look at Kian, but
my eyes were saddened to see my love so low, so desolate looking. Did
I do this to him? Guilt racked my brain completely.
"Kyoko . . ." he whispered, tears forming
at the corners of his eyes. "Our anniversary . . ."
Today was our anniversary? That would mean
that nearly two months had passed since I died! He's been like this
all this time? I couldn't bare to look at Kian's face any more, but
I heard a voice inside me say, "Look at him! LOOK! You say you love
him, but he's suffering. How can you help a suffering man when you're
DEAD?"
Kian fell into full-blown tears at this point,
the bottle of sake falling to the ground, its contents flowing out onto
the hard wood floor. I couldn't take it anymore. As I left the room,
I fell to my knees just outside the door, begging to cry. Please
God, allow me this one luxury . . .
"I'm sorry, Kian . . . " I whispered, tears
flowing down my cheeks onto the floor. In the silence of the room, my
teardrop made a decisive "splish" sound. Wait, I thought. Standing,
I rose to look in the nearby mirror, revealing my reflection once again.
"I've got my body back? Oh God . . ." I covered
my mouth in shock, wiping the tears from my hazy eyes. "Kian . . ."
I slowly opened the door, revealing a sleeping
Kian. He looked much more peaceful than earlier, but his eyes were marked
by the signs of a long-lasting cry. I took the cover sheets from the
futon and covered his body.
"Kian . . .I love you so much . . ." I knelt
next to him, whispering. His eyes flew open at the sound of my voice,
thinking it was some kind of illusion, no doubt. I stood, gazing down
into his eyes. "Kian . . ."
He stood so quickly, nearly toppling over
in his intoxicated state. I had to hold him steady as best I could,
but his eyes were so wide open in disbelief, I had to caress his cheek
to convince him.
"Yes, it's really me . . ." I said unsteadily.
"B-but . . ." he stuttered, grabbing my arms
to feel my body for himself. "Oh God . . .thank God . . ." He pulled
me close to his body, arms wrapping around me tightly. "I'm not letting
you go this time . . . I won't."
"I don't expect you to, Kian . . . " I said,
leaning against his strong chest. "I--"
"No," he pressed a finger to my lips, stopping
me from speaking, "I won't ask how or why you're here. It's just enough
that you are . . ."
Kian dipped his head to kiss me deeply, the
taste of him still intoxicating. My arms wrapped around his neck, pressing
my body so close, I could feel every breath, every beat his heart made.
His scent was so unmistakably masculine, it threatened to overpower
my senses. We fell to the futon, entwined limbs and intensely sensual
caresses speaking for the urgency of our love. Moments of passion blurred
from one into another, scribing this all-important moment into our consciousness.
He was still far from sobriety, but I knew
that when he woke, he'd believe our encounter to be a dream. For me,
it was something I couldn't dare to believe a dream.
For the first time since my return, I felt
a sense of peace that I'd done something good, something to help Kian
get back on the right path. Even now, he had the mark of peace around
his eyes. He would sleep hard and long through the day long after I
had returned to my spirit form. For now, I wanted to do nothing more
than to enjoy the embrace of my love, my dear sweet Kian . . .
"KYOKO!" the chorus voices of the council
beckoned me in my sleep. "Awaken!"
I turned over, only to find that I'd returned
to my spirit form. Was my time up already? "It is time for you to return
and make your decision," they reminded.
"I know, I know . . ." I lowered my head,
half expecting the kiss Kian always gave me in parting. As I closed
my eyes, I could hear Kian's voice mutter, "Koneko . . .". It
just tore at my heart to hear his sweet endearment after so long. My
eyes closed fully, heart-wrenching tears escaping freely down my cheeks.
When my eyes opened, I was returned to the council room. They seemed
more fidgety than normal this particular day.
"What? So you want to hear my decision?" I
asked seriously, my voice dark and embedded with sorrow.
"What will it be?" the old man asked.
"I will cut my ties to Kian," I announced
abruptly.
"And how did you come to this conclusion?"
he asked curiously.
"Last night when I was with him, I felt like
I had done something good for Kian, for him alone. Not just for me.
To go back and torture him like that . . . I can't do it. He has every
right to go on with his life, even if mine is over," I explained, fresh
tears rising to the surface. "I love him so much. The last thing I want
him to do is live with my shadow, never knowing what had happened. How
could I ever live with myself?" I shook my head hopelessly, clenching
my hands together. No matter how hard I tried to wrangle with my emotions,
the tears kept falling; my lips kept trembling.
Again, the council members looked at each
other, silently discussing what had just transpired.
"Your destiny awaits you, Kyoko. Embrace
it with open arms," they declared uniformly. "Close your eyes . . ."
Fear ran through every pore of my being at
what was about to happen. I took a deep breath, remembering in a matter
of seconds, everything Kian and I had been through. It was like a gallery
of our lives flashing by, arising every conceivable emotion from the
core of my being. I would never forget him. There was absolutely no
way I could.
"Good-bye, Kian . . ." My eyes closed
slowly . . .
Once I reopened them, I found myself in complete
shock. I was in my futon, covered by my red blankets, and more importantly,
Kian was by my side asleep. Thank you, God, I thought, breaking
out into a full-blown cry, complete with wails and sniffles. It was
enough to wake Kian up.
"Oye, koneko!" He turned to face me,
smiling with that roguish grin. "Why are you crying?"
"Kian!" I beamed, running a finger along
his chin. "I love you so much . . ."
"Well, I suppose that's ONE way of saying
it," he laughed, wiping away my tears as best he could, "but I'd rather
say it another way . . . "
"What's that?" I asked breathlessly.
Kian's kiss was so reverent. I was in absolute
awe at the feeling it left me with. He brushed away stray strands of
my hair, kissing away the remaining tears.
"How was that?" he winked.
"Absolutely fabulous . . ." I paused, then
told Kian, "I'm not going to work today."
"No? Why not? I know it's raining outside
but that never stopped you before."
"Trust me, Kian. I know what kind of day today
will be. I'll stay here with you and celebrate an early anniversary
. . ."
Kian thought about it for a moment, then pecked
my lips.
"Now THAT sounds like a good idea . . ."