I've always been unlucky when it comes to relationships. I seem to attract decent guys, but for some reason or another, things backfire on me, all hell breaks loose, and we both end up leaving each other. That makes me afraid. VERY AFRAID. The mistakes I've made along the way are so horrible, so life-changing, that I truly don't want to make those mistakes again. And I don't want anyone else to either.

Something I've learned that holds true for almost everyone: You can't change someone into something else. You can't mold them into what you want them to be. The person that is with you was that way when you met them. To expect them to change for you is highly unrealistic. Just about every guy I've ever been with has wanted me to change for them. It always starts off in simple ways, like your clothes or hairstyle, or what you cook. Then it can become so much more, to the point where it's just beyond your scope of understanding, or beyond your realm of doing. I hated every minute that someone asked me to change. I wondered, why wouldn't they accept me for who I am? I'm not that bad a person, and I don't ask you to go around changing for me, so why should you ask such a thing for me to do for you?

Relationships are all about give and take, in essence, compromise. There are certain elements that are a part of it, which, without any of these, can undermine the integrity of it. First and foremost is trust. The backbone of any positive relationship is trust. If I can't believe you, trust in you and your decisionmaking ability, how can I do anything else?

It's the most fragile thing in the world, and for me, it was a difficult thing to choose between: my principles or that trust. In the end, I chose my principles over it because it was all I ever had to rely on. Once that trust was lost, there was so much ground to recover and try. Once that trust is broken, it's the most difficult thing to gain it back. And even then, there will be doubts.

Another element that is necessary to any relationship is communication. Serious communication problems can lead to all KINDS of tragedies: jealousy, deceit, pain. . .so many horrid things. Too many times, my lack of the ability to express myself had cost me my relationships. If your partner doesn't know what's going on in your head, how can he or she help you? Do you trust them enough to help you? Does your mind get so filled with questions that you'd love to ask, but you're just afraid to, or don't know how?

Just recently, I've found that my love for writing can help save my relationship. It helps tremendously to write out how you feel inside, if you find that you can't say it. Even the little things that you think don't matter in the long run can be the one thing that you remember and may hurt in the long run instead. It sound stupid, but trust me on this. It helps.

One other thing that people forget is to let your partner have their space too. Sure you want to be around each other all the time, but they need to have time to themselves, to grow as individuals WHILE being with you. There's a certain level of independence that should be maintained when in a relationship. A healthy one will allow for growth, not stifling. I've seen people be in relationships with men (I'm not excluding women either, I have stories for that too) that want their woman to be home at certain times, don't have any male friends, do their bidding and all that. Before all things, everyone is an individual, and before they were with you, they were an individual. It's difficult to remember that when you're in a relationship for 5 or 6 years at a time, but you have to remember it.

Relationships take a great deal of patience too. I can only speak for myself when I say I have mounds of patience and understanding. Nothing in this world is perfect, so don't expect things to be perfect either. There will be bumps and bruises along the way. There may even be crisis situations that arise and may pull you two apart, but it takes a person of strong will and patience to see it though.

But what about you people out there that don't really care for relationships to begin with? There's only one thing I can say to you: don't sweat it. Everyone reaches a time in their lives when they want the companionship of someone, that's just a part of our nature as human beings. It may not be now, but sometime it will happen, and when you are ready, keep all the above things in mind.

It's a scary thing, giving a part of yourself to another human being. I still have a hard time dealing with it after so much time passing. But the key to it all is taking one day at a time, and being real with each other, with no overwhelming expectations of each other. Be fair, be patient, be understanding. . .and above all, don't take a single day for granted. You don't know what the next day. .or hour. .or minute. .can bring.

-back-